Jessica Zuckers første graviditet var gået godt. Alting kørte på skinner, og både barn og mor havde det godt hele vejen igennem. Hun tænkte, at det samme ville ske med barn nummer to. Desværre gik det ikke sådan.
“Da jeg var omkring 16 uger henne, begyndte jeg at bløde,” fortæller Jessica Zucker til Self Magazine.
Jessica fik veer, og derefter fik hun en ufrivillig, spontan abort. Hendes mand kørte hende på hospitalet, hvor lægerne fjernede resterne af graviditeten.
“To timer senere tog jeg hjem igen og var ikke længere gravid,” fortæller Jessica og tilføjer, at det var det mest traumatiske, hun nogensinde har oplevet.
Jessica Zucker, som bor i Los Angeles, er psykolog, og hun har i mange år arbejdet med kvinder, som kæmper med barnløshed eller svære følelser efter en spontan abort. Hun troede, at hun vidste, hvordan hun kunne hjælpe kvinderne bedst, men det var først, efter hun i 2012 selv mistede sit barn, at hun for alvor kunne sætte sig ind i, hvad kvinderne gik igennem.
I dag kæmper Jessica Zucker for, at kvinder, som får en spontan abort, ikke skal føle sig alene. Jessica har oprettet Instagram-kontoen IHadAMiscarriage, hvor hun deler sine egne tanker, men også deler andre kvinders rørende historier.
Idéen er, at kvinder verden over kan finde støtte i hinandens historier, og at det forhåbentlig bliver lettere at tale om alle de svære følelser, som følger med en spontan abort.
Finde trøst i sorgen
Et stykke tid efter sin abort blev Jessica gravid igen, og hun har i dag to sunde og raske børn sammen med sin mand. Sorgen over barnet, som hun mistede, sidder dog stadig dybt i hende, og det har været vigtigt for Jessica at være åben om alle de svære følelser.
Hun håber, at inititativet med Instagram-kontoen og hashtagget #IHadAMiscarriage kan hjælpe andre kvinder i samme situation som hende selv og være en trøst i sorgen.
Herunder har vi samlet et lille udpluk af billederne og historierne, som i den grad giver stof til eftertanke.
@dear_orla shares: "Today I have been feeling a lot of intense emotions as I start to really sort out Orla's things, deciding what is hers and what we will share with her sibling. I have felt overwhelmed with grief, that has exposed a vulnerability that I've been pretty good at denying for a while. I am learning that pregnancy after loss brings new waves of grief, new realisations of what could have been. _ Then I received my photos from my maternity shoot this week. Each one shows my locket, where I carry a curl of Orla's hair, and my belly in which I am carrying our rainbow. Photos so full of love and hope ❤🌈" _ #IHadAMiscarriage #stillbirth #stillborn #motherhood #pregnancyafterloss #grief #loss #rainbowbaby #dearorla #1in160
Did anyone else document their grief in photographs? • This was taken 2 months and 3 days after my 16-week unassisted homebirth to the daughter I will never know • Looking back at photographs from that time period reignites all sorts of feelings • On this day in particular I recall experiencing a free-floating sensation - as if my feet couldn't quite make it to the ground - hovering above myself, numb • Suspended in disbelief, still • During those initial post-loss months, I often dreaded being alone - driving, errands, tidying up • Witnessing the world moving forward as I continued to sink inward was perhaps one of the scariest feelings I have ever known • _ #IHadAMiscarriage #grief #pregnancyloss #miscarriage #documentinggrief #loss #motherhood #1in4 #PTSD
Honoring My Body by @ldashmae. Stories from around the world (London). Posted with permission. _ For those first few weeks I counted every day to being closer to meeting the baby we had longed for. But then one night, I bled. The doctors at A&E found my hormone level to be low so a scan was needed. There was my baby's home but they couldn't see a baby anymore ...'come back in 2 weeks'. Those 2 weeks I continued to bleed and with each visit to the bathroom my heart grew heavy as I just knew she wasn't with me anymore. So when it was time for my second scan I already knew what the doctor was going to tell me and her face as she saw the screen gave me confirmation. I resented my body for betraying me, for failing - but now I realise my body just did what it needed to do. I should honour my body, it has also been through it and now needs the physical self care and gratitude more than ever. Eastern religions teach that the soul chooses its parents and its lifetime as a way of working through karma from previous lives and I truly believe this. Usually the karmic lesson requires a whole lifetime, but sometimes it can be learned in a few brief weeks or months. I'm choosing to hold on to this thought process - A loss is still a loss but it brings me some sort of peace. This week should've been when we told family & friends about our little one but instead i'm sharing the story of my miscarriage. So many women, more than you think, go through this, yet sit in silence because that's what we've been taught. You mustn't tell when you're pregnant so when you miscarry you almost have no one to understand your journey. The silence is deafening. It's isolating. It brings on the shame, the anxiety, the sadness, the not wanting to make people uncomfortable. But we need to share, especially amongst our fellow sisters. Ending the silence is how we begin to heal. _ #IHadAMiscarriage #grief #loss #1in4
# IHadAMiscarriage I had a 2nd trimester miscarriage. This is a fact of my life. An experience that changed who I am. Pregnancy after pregnancy loss changed me all the more. I have no shame. No self-blame. No guilt. I did nothing wrong. I did nothing to deserve this. My body works. I don't feel it failed. I embrace my grief fully and allow it to wash over me. I grieve still. I don't believe rainbow babies "replace" our lost loves. When we lean into heartache, we evolve. When we work vigorously to stave it off, we drown. I don't believe everything happens for a reason. I know I am not alone, nor are you. _ This campaign is here for anyone who has experienced any type of pregnancy or infant loss. We are here to share stories with the aim of softening stigma and ushering in connection. Let this space be a life line. An anchor. A community. _ What an elating honor it is to have my work and specifically this page featured on @selfmagazine today. Link in profile. _ #IHadAMiscarriage #miscarriage #pregnancyloss #stillbirth #infantloss #motherhood #grief #loss #parenthood #pregnancyafterloss #rainbowbaby #1in4 // This sign accompanied the birth of the I Had A Miscarriage campaign in 2014. Lettering by @annerobincallig.